Finding the calm in chaos

I like to think I hold it together pretty well ordinarily. I’ve functioned on little sleep for years now and appreciate it more than you know when I clock up more than 5 hours. I decided to write this post because in the last couple of weeks I’ve really not felt myself at all and I know we can all feel like that so thought I would share, sharing’s caring and all that.

I’ve never made a secret that I rely on my anti-depressants to function. There is no shame in that. Considering that lack of sleep massively affects mood and anxiety is it any wonder. At the moment I am anxious about everything. Reilly is incredibly clingy for me, more so than usual. He doesn’t want to go to school, wont get in his transport and has spent every morning this week hiding uniform and trying to flush his shoes. He google images NO School, yet he loves it when he gets there and he shows me on the laptop and makes the letters DVD by contorting his fingers to spell it out. Can I blame him? Hell no. I’d rather stay in bed too, snuggling but sadly I just can’t and neither can he.

In these moments when he is pained to be separated it really hits home about his future. This drives further anxiety and the cycle continues. I have plenty of time to think about it. While he listens to the same 30 seconds of Peppa Pig at the Museum on repeat while turning the light on and off I think about it. His current melatonin is much to blame (just changed) it’s useless, which is something I will address properly with GP etc. I can GUARANTEE the cost of Reilly’s lack of sleep will cost the authorities more in the long run.

I’m missing important meetings and it makes me wonder is it time to stop and just be Reilly’s Mam for a bit. Full focus. Truth is I find that very daunting. I’m not a domestic goddess, I don’t thrive on a tidy home with kids lunchboxes neatly packed with healthy snacks. Not me never has been. Even if I had the time I probably wouldn’t do it. What I do have is patience by the bucket load but recently I think theres a hole in my bucket. My laidback manner is on edge and tetchy and I don’t like it. I’ve pulled out the big guns this week with a text from Santa and a xmas tree removal for gods sake. It’s not his fault. What I am angry at is me losing my grip on keeping it all together.

My work life has been incredibly busy. Life of Reilly has performed twice this week, the film is coming on an absolute treat and we inch closer to our hearts with goals charity ball next Sunday. Thank god my partners in crime Kelly and Alison are helping me where normally they wouldn’t need to. Another week or so and I can maybe breathe again.

This isn’t a woe is me post. I’ve kicked my own arse and pulled my own socks up a million times this week, its a plea for understanding. If I scurry past you in the shops its because i’m not in the place for chit chat, if I glance away when I do talk to you my mind is probably somewhere else, if your message sits unopened in my messenger know it’s not through malice.

I look forward to a cheerier blog post next week and in the meantime i’m ok with the fact that sometimes i’m not ok and you are not alone if you are feeling the same way. I’ve hard a hard week. Next week is something entirely new. Self care, priorities,being kinder to myself and less procrastination order of the day. xx

Published by

Christine Stephenson

Really busy mam who runs her own charity, has 3 sons and learning about autism every day. Contact me at alphaautistic@gmail.com

4 thoughts on “Finding the calm in chaos

  1. I stand beside you on all of what you have written. I am propped up in the same way and lack of sleep seems to be getting worse in the run up to Christmas. Stuff being cheery, be honest. Be cheery when you feel cheery.
    Stand tall, take a deep breath and cry.

    Like

  2. Dear Christine, my heart goes out to you. Ive just read your thoughts and humans do get completely over stretched at times like this in life. Ive had a lot to deal with too but not in comparison to you. I wanted to come to the play this week but i physically couldnt walk at all and my pain was so sharp and widespread. Thing is i look alright on the outside. Look sorry i didnt make it but i just couldnt and it upsets me a lot. I miss out on lots of lifes events and social stuff as this arthritis controls everything. I would still like to meet just me n you. I love to help if i can. You are a talented, v hard working, eloquent lady who deserves to off load. Im here for you. Love celia x

    Liked by 1 person

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