Snappy title eh!
Standing at our upstairs window tonight clapping for our front line workers made me feel so emotional. I’ve felt pretty numb over the last couple of weeks. Had moments in everyday of sheer panic. Heart pounding, shakey legged panic, not sleeping and pins and needles from head to toe. I remind myself it’s normal to feel this anxious and to question Where’s this going, how many will die. Will the world ever recover from it? I’ve used meditation, grounding techniques and distraction such as games on my phone and reading.
Reilly is blissfully unaware, as he should be. His brother Ellis had a conversation with me yesterday I asked if he was worried his answer was not for himself but for family at risk yes he was scared. Alex flew in from Japan in the middle of our isolation period and I haven’t seen him yet. This breaks my heart but it was sensible and necessary.
Reilly started 2 weeks ago with a sore throat, 2 days later a temperature of 39.1 and a cough. No sneezing, no runny nose and no energy. Did he have it? Who knows. But we took the precautions regardless. I have health OCD. I constantly look for reassurance that I’m not ill. So times are testing. My heart bleeds for those stuck in that loop of intrusive, checking and washing.
I was filled with dread at the thought of him being at home out of routine and as the days went on and the carnage at supermarkets started to unravel it became all too real. He only eats a handful of foods. If those foods aren’t available he’d go without. One quick Facebook post resulted in 10 margarita pizzas and 4 loaves of bread within a couple of hours!
He has loved not having to get dressed and I’ve seen a much more relaxed Reilly. We’ve had moments I’m sure you understand where he’s showed me on his iPad he wants to go to cinema or trampolining and I’ve done my best to distract but all in all he’s been great. I’ve watched the same 40 seconds of Dinos and Discoveries hundreds of times but if he’s happy I’ll take that – I’m not upsetting the apple cart right now.
The posts I see on social media make my blood run cold. You know the ones that say remember if your child catches it they must go in an ambulance alone. You know that one. I keep playing it over in my mind. We aren’t at that level of non verbal communication. I can’t do this. The thought makes me physically sick. Imagine trying to fathom that one.
So 2 weeks of indoors has seen me browse a fair bit of social media. It has brought to the forefront the worst of humanity and on the other hand some of the best. I’ve seen stupidity that I never thought was possible. Lack of regard for others and for life in general has been abundant. I’ve screamed at my phone at videos of covidiots ramming into supermarkets and stock piling god knows what and just not taking it seriously.
I’ve made a conscious decision to try and just keep me and mine in order. I can’t control the rest. I’m worried about money, mortgages and jobs like everyone else, I worry about friends and family so I look for humour wherever I can. For now I’m trying to be positive. Decorating with the paint that’s been there 6 months and writing, sorting accounts, making artwork etc in preparation of normality whenever that may be.
Stay safe. Stay in. Call people out on shitty behaviour. Help others and keep the faith ❤️
Thankyou to all the people out there working and supporting others.