Mental

I must apologise for my lack of blog posts recently I have had to take some time to step back and breathe after the incredible response to my husband’s social media rant.  If you missed it you can catch it here …….

The fallout from his spectacular f-bomb laden rant has been tremendously positive. Heartbreaking to hear so many stories of exclusion from all over the world, promising to hear people admit they acknowledge a lack of empathy and their need to change.

That post was not meant to go viral.

When it did,  although I embraced it and ran with turning it into a positive from a negative,  in reality it actually terrified me. I am and have been for the last 15 years a sufferer of depression, anxiety and OCD and to be thrust under the spotlight like we were was extremely daunting.  Parenting criticised, by idiots granted but still hurtful nonetheless.  Trolled, not as much as I imagined but they still came out from under their trip trap bridges to throw the odd insult.  This behaviour is difficult to manage by most.  I however am not most.  It has given me many more sleepless nights if that is even possible.  I have analysed every post and comment, dissected it and gone back to look at it a bit more.  Thats what anxiety does.  It’s relentless. I stopped reading at your son is a window licker.  The positive posts were amazing and we’ve been thanked a million times over for having the voice to say things that others haven’t been able to say.

When I was asked recently if I would like to appear on the radio show Mentally Sound on Spice FM I jumped at it. Another F”#k you to my anxiety that I will not be kept down, I can do these things.  I love talking about mental health and it really frustrates me that people still feel uncomfortable talking about it.  I understand why – stigma, stereotypes, etc have a lot to answer for.  After all it’s not often you see mental health painted with a lovely picture it’s often accompanied by a horror story in the media.  I have to speak for Reilly while he has no voice or finds new ways to project it and I will do the best that I can to advocate for him.  I see posts on social media all the time about parents worrying for their kids, thats what we do as parents, worry but multiply that by a million and you may be getting close to my struggle.

The lads Ricky & Steve made me extremely welcome and it’s great to sit and talk to others who are unafraid to bare their souls on the subject.  It affects all of us in one way or another.

Link to Mentally Sound Podcast I’m first guest on about 15 mins in.

Speaking of mental health recently there was a debate in the Houses of Commons about autism and suicide attended by approximately 10 MP’s.  Now a recent study shows that autistic people are 9 times more likely to kill themselves than NT’s and will die on average 16 years earlier.  A handful of MP’s to debate this isn’t good enough.  I’ve been on to my MP to find out why she wasn’t there.  You should do the same. You can find your MP and how to contact them here.   Mental health services are an absolute shambles, people who want to help can’t and people who can help are stretched to the limit.  Waiting lists are too long and people are suffering horrifically.  It has to change.

Top points from talking at Mentally Sound were:

Let “talk more, judge less” be your mantra and we can’t go far wrong. Talking helps.

Use the #askingautistics hashtag on twitter.  As I said in the interview I am an expert at being Reilly’s mam thats where my expertise ends.  Get solid advice from actually autistic people. There is no better guidance whether you are a parent, a fellow autistic person, an employer, a friend.  I talked for 2 hours with an autistic adult last week and he blew my mind with his concept of how Reilly’s thought process works.

ps want to help us tell it how it really is?  Then please donate to our crowdfunder if you can for The Life of Reilly pilot with offline donations we are headed for 3k.  This is our chance to educate a wider audience.  The play has done exceptionally well and returns to the Northern Stage on March 16th.   Tickets for The Life of Reilly available, it will sell out.

https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/the-life-of-reilly-film-pilot-1

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Mental threesome 

It’s mental health awareness week so thought I’d do a post. I’m pretty vocal when it comes to discussing mental health and I wish more were too. 

I have a threesome regularly – depression, anxiety and OCD. Depression and anxiety are of equal shittiness, OCD the king of the castle.  OCD is vile and it’s hard to explain.  I don’t spend time lining up things and making sure the house is tidy or washing my hands.  I do however get overwhelmed with ridiculous thoughts. Like a broken record. They are exhausting and it takes every ounce of energy to deal with it.  It’s like anxiety on steroids, the what ifs? Become amplified WHAT IF’S? Harder, better, faster, stronger as Kanye would say. 

Anxiety is an everyday occurrence. I’m not plagued 24/7 like some people but parts in everyday will be spent with pins and needles coursing through my limbs accompanied by a loud pulse, a foggy brain and an urge to get out of wherever I am.   It often greets me on waking like an elephant sat on my legs.  When anxiety is high OCD is worse, OCD in turns feeds anxiety; see my hamster wheel? I wish it would f@ck off.

Depression – if you know me you know my story it has ups, it has downs and it has some wayyyy downs and my depression I believe stems from my past, my genetics and the two beauts above.  They go hand in hand in hand And it’s hard sometimes to function “normally” I should add lots of my friends and lots of my family suffer from depression, anxiety, some even from OCD too. It’s beginning to feel like the norm.

We have to be brave enough to talk about it though.  I talked about my OCD and found 5 people close to me who were suffering too, in silence, not anymore. 

ASD is usually accompanied by depression, anxiety and often OCD in some form.  To think of Reilly, or any of my kids ever suffering like I have in the past breaks my heart in two but I’m armed.  Armed with knowledge, empathy, experience and understanding.

The thing that works best for me is distraction, I keep busy.  It’s a well known fact that anyone suffering from bouts of depression feel worthless at some point.  My charity work not only helps others but it helps me, there is a method to my chaotic life madness – it actually helps me too.  

I’m mindful, I listen to podcasts about anxiety and learn from others, I read up on alternative therapies, I take meds, I’ve had counselling. 

I’m defo 1 in 4 have been for longer than I care to mention.  You wouldn’t guess it 90% of the time as I’m a great pretender, we all are. With mental health problems rising rapidly in kids we need them to understand mental health issues,  how can we do that if we suffer in silence? 

#mentalhealthawarenessweek #itsoknottobeok 

Dark clouds gather

You ever have one of those days where you wake up and you can barely get out the bedroom because your anxiety is up with the larks? That was me this morning.

I hate those days, I’m partial to them I can’t lie.  Days when you are happy your phone is broken  and that you have no plans because getting out of your pyjamas takes more effort than what you’ve got.

I hate anxious depressed days such a massive waste of time and energy spent ruminating over everything. Everything being the important stuff like 10 reasons why it is absolutely impossible for me to die as no one can take care of the Things like I can but also worrying about utter drivel. I hate that the most for example the tiles on the outer edge are missing in the hallway Reilly’s escort will think we live in squalor, WTF but yes that was a genuine worry of the day.  I knew I couldn’t watch the documentary about the 16 year old non verbal boy today as I may still be crying now that needs to be watched on a less emotional day.

I’ve spent the day trying keep as busy as possible. My self preservation involves being busy with minimal human contact and watching old America’s next top models that I’ve missed. So here I am at almost 1am feeling completely normal and wanting to hang onto that peaceful feeling so putting off sleep a teeny bit longer.

When Reilly came back from school he wanted to go out, I really really didn’t want to but I put my trainers on and figured some fresh air might do me some good so we went to the park and for something to eat.  It does always brighten me up if I can get past the doorstep.  In this mood I’m prone to a bit of people hating, can’t help it for example I hated a mam shouting at her little one for walking too slow, I shouldn’t judge she may have needed the toilet or was catching a bus or whatever but I did and hated her for it anyway.

My temples were pounding, my left arm was pins and needles and my legs like lead weights but I did the 2 hours out and I did feel better for it.  The good thing is I can say to Shane what an utterly shit day, I felt like crying and have been really anxious and he gets it, priceless.

The black dog barks at my door a lot and I do try and keep him on a tight leash.  Medication, mindfulness, etc help too. I’m 44 in a few weeks time and have felt like this for about 20 years off and on some times worse than others following life events.  Caring for Reilly ups the game on the anxiety stakes that’s for sure.

I get so pissed off, I accomplish a lot but what would the Christine minus anxiety, depression and OCD be capable of?  It’s exhausting but as they say without darkness we’d never see the stars.

What’s your method for dealing with the dark days?

New day tomorrow hoping for a good one x