The ramblings of a proud stressed father

It’s been a while since I penned a post so welcome to the ramblings of a man on the edge. Readers who follow this blog regularly will of no doubt thought that poor Christine and possibly she doesn’t have much support; well I’d agree it is poor Christine and our circumstances dictate I have to work long hours to cover bills and allow the family to have a quality of life.

I enjoy my job to a degree and it actually keeps me sane having the routine of going to work and having the challenge of what my career brings BUT there isn’t much of a work life balance most months. I can almost hear people saying shut your gob and get on with it like parents the breadth of the place.

I hate the fact at times I come in from work and Reilly completely blanks me and Ellis is stuck on his PS4; never a truer saying you get back what you put in. Kids don’t understand the fact they’ve got the latest consoles, trainers, trips to toys r us weekly, heating and food
and a home on a nice estate because I exhaust myself to give them it; they understand quality time that’s what they understand. I actually hate this it makes me so angry, jealous and genuinely sad; my kids lives are passing me by and I swore it would never happen again.  No regrets, you only get one chance to nurture your kids and all the rest of the cliches piss me right off because I’m in a position I hate and I know they are correct.

Some know me some don’t; I lost a son aged 2 and it ripped part of my heart and soul out and like the time I lost with Georgie they’re never coming back. I carry regret and guilt daily and it’s a bloody heavy cross to bare.

It’s hard enough knowing what needs to be done and what you can actually offer, factor in Reilly’s struggles and that cross is a whole lot heavier believe me; responsibility doesn’t even touch the sides. Reilly needs and deserves more from me (as does Ellis,we’ll come into it), he’s such a loving kid when you put the time in, he thrives on encouragement and 1-1 interaction, he loves learning and helping when I’m doing things around the house, he’s deadly with the tool bag and can mix cement or drill a wall no probs. When ever I’m low there’s nothing sorts me quicker than quality time with the kids; there like diazepam and Prozac rolled in one ( I have the Prozac t shirt).

Ellis suffers in our house a lot in he gets his nose pushed out and doesn’t get the attention he craves (all be it 16 hours of the day), he often drives us up the wall to the point of despair pushing all the buttons to get attention all be it for the wrong reasons. We try to explain, give him 1-1 time and spoil him to a degree but it all boils down to TIME or lack of it.

Is one kid favoured over the other? Absolutely not and I mean that 100%, we are acutely aware of trying to balance time and commitment to see both the kids develop, be comfortable and happy with themselves.

So back from the tangent, time is something that doesn’t sit comfortable at all with me, time lost, time I can never get back; jealousy is another, jealous of my own wife? Too right I am and I say it with ease as I want what she has with our kids.

Christine is a bit of a saintly figure and I appreciate all she does all be it we rarely actually acknowledge what each of us do; she’s always smiley and kind whilst I’m miserable and appear aggressive at times (so Mrs says). If you see this miserable, moody looking man don’t judge me too harshly (not that I give a shit) as I have that heavy cross, a lot of
responsibility and little or no time to let off steam.

Would I change anything? Yeah I would, Georgie would be with us, I’d have
more time, and Reilly would talk.

The ramblings of a stressed proud father xx

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Nearly 50k views

Just checked my stats and got such a shock that The Life of Reilly is the tiniest smidge off 50,ooo views.  This makes me so happy.  It’s hard sometimes to bare your soul and write some of your fears and feelings for the world to see.  It is cathartic for me.  Sometimes you got to write it because if you shout it quite frankly your going to make a scene and we do enough of that already.

I remember being absolutely terrified to press publish on the posts

Did she just say that?  and   I am jealous. There I said it. 

Would people think I am a shitty parent because of those posts?  I am jealous was shared so many times on social media and I only saw one mother who wasn’t happy about it.  I don’t remember where the comment even is now but it was along the lines of she wants to think herself lucky she has a child blah blah blah.  NOBODY needs to tell me this.  I am truly aware that others have it so much worse than me but the purpose of the blog is to inform people of our autism, the one we live and breathe.  

I hope that I have raised an eyebrow or two with the blogs to date and I hope it has made people less judgmental of others.  Public acceptance that people are different is the answer.  Mind sets need to be changed children need to be educated not just in schools but at home too (not just with autism, pick a topic it still fits).  Different is ok.

I’ve been asked to make more videos, christ on a bike i’ve also been asked to write a book.  What I would like to know is what do you like about The Life of Reilly? What would you like to see more or less of?  Let me know x

Walk the Line

Yesterday as always Reilly would not come in from school but I was prepared and we headed straight out to the park it was a lovely afternoon and it was a relief to feel a bit of sun on our faces.


I decided to walk him a bit further and pop into the Willow Farm not far from us, he loves it in there.  Finding Dory on the cinema screen, the boat ride,  yorkshire puddings and a bit of mashed potato makes Reilly a happy lad.  So far so good a lovely afternoon.

The walk home was a little more lively.  It should take about 5 minutes to walk the line to my house.  Reilly tonight didn’t want to walk it, he wanted to get on the bus instead.  3 hours rambling about I was cold, it was dark and I wanted to get home I felt like I’d done my bit for today in after school activities and I was having none of it, yes I like to make him happy as often as I can but this staying out for 3 hours after school every night is starting to take it’s toll.  None the less that didn’t stop Reilly screaming like a banshee and lying on the ground.

It’s important in these situations that I don’t lose my cool which is ok for me as I have a lot of patience.  I talked to him calmly explained we weren’t getting on the bus tonight and that we were going home.  I reckon if he could speak he’d have told me to eff off.  Was like someone had released the Kraken. He went wild.

I couldn’t pick him up as he would pull my hair out, he scratched, kicked, screamed for the minute that I carried him until I had to have a rest and put him down which he would lie on the floor flailing and screaming.  This went on repeat for approximately 40 minutes.    Passing joggers, cyclists and pram pushers felt my pain and I watched them all disappear into the distance without having moved a metre.

You get the picture.  1 hour to do a 5 minute walk.  His finale was the loudest screaming I’ve ever heard on our neighbours drive.  I actually saw some of our neighbours looking out the window as I tried carrying the last few steps without actually having a heart attack.  My very patient composed self of 20 minutes ago was now a red, sweaty, anxious wreck.  The screaming and throwing things continued at home too.

https://youtu.be/HhPdTWd8fno.     A little snippet of how this walk went.

Such a massive change in behaviour from holding hands and watching planes to just awful in 60 seconds.  I hate that I can’t bargain with him, naughty kids or kids having a tantrum you can bribe them or scare them with straight to bed or no DVD’s etc Reilly couldn’t give a flying f@ck what you’ve got to say.  I felt on edge for the rest of the night and a little bit terrified for what tonight would bring.

The quicker we get his dog the better maybe a bit of guidance from our four legged friend might be just the trick?  As always don’t judge the parent struggling with their child. You have no clue what the circumstances may be. X

Relationship status

I made a tongue in cheek video today about keeping the spark alive for valentines day.

Relationships are so hard when you have a child with additional needs.  I mean how desperate are you when you’re thinking maybe a split will let me sleep a few days a week?  Sleep deprivation is an absolute killer.  I have learned to function on very little sleep when I do get the opportunity my head is filled with horror stories of what is likely to go wrong over the next week, month, year, decade, you get the picture.

I work really hard on the charity North East Hearts with Goals and on Alphabetically Autistic, I update Frankie Sherwood’s twitter account @helpfrankie and I try my best to keep our washing baskets (all 4 of them) below half way, this is usually a fail.  The house is not as tidy as I would like it to be and I really must try harder.  I’m out of the house every night after school rambling with Reilly until its dark so don’t actually get that much time.  Shane is the physical grafter and money maker, he works every hour god sends to allow me to do these things that I love.   He’s gone by 6.30am and he sometimes isn’t home until after 7pm, is it any wonder we get ratty?  That’s not to mention the hours between tea time and bed time (if there is one) where it’s just utter carnage.

It’s easy to take snipes at each other.  Well I do this and you don’t blah blah blah but we are a team.  One doesn’t work without the other, both cogs might be stubborn and one a bit more worn than the other but they work well together……. most of the time.

It’s hard to find romance in a life filled with stress and zero minutes alone time so I was over the moon to get a text this morning from Shane today to say he has sorted a babysitter (my dad) on Friday afternoon so we can go to a restaurant that i’ve been dying to try.  Priceless.  Just a few hours of no responsibility for us is probably the equivalent to a night away for many.

Happy Valentine’s ❤️

Reilly gets the metro

A couple of weeks ago I shared a blog about how I was expecting a do you know this woman video to go viral after trying to remove Reilly from Whitley Bay metro station.  Today we decided we would make his dream come true and actually go and get on one, 2 man job obviously. 

He was so excited to just be on the platform. I was having palpitations when he got more than 2 steps away from me, even worse at monument metro in the way home, everything I hate – underground, too busy, small platform, tunnel.  Fast pulse, dizzy head 😂 Yak.  

Anyway he absolutely loved the metro. He wanted to get off at every stop which he soon realised wasn’t happening and sat really canny looking out the window. Fave bits were the tunnels and he clearly says ‘tuh’ sounds when you go through them.

A quick scoot round the Disney Store WITHOUT PURCHASING ANYTHING! He’s more interested in the lift than the toys, so with the promise of an ice cream we left and headed to Creams.  

I have faced many challenges in my life. None of which compare to sitting in Creams while Shane has a white chocolate and raspberry crepe and Reilly has an oreo sundae. Damn you dairy freeness!! 

Again he did really well.  We were sat beside a glittery pillar which he liked the feel of so was happy standing stroking that. 

A pretty good day by all accounts. Roll on the school bus xx

How was your day?

Well i’m back i’ve been AWOL for approximately 2.5 hours.  Reilly as per usual did not want to come in from school.  He had a huge screaming fit, got outside lay on the path and the likes so I wrapped him up in his big (filthy covered in ice cream coat not his nice Barbour one) and took him for what I thought was a jaunty walk and a bit of a wander.  I was equally as unappealing in my coat also covered in ice cream but its warm so doesn’t matter right?

Wrong.

I ended up on Reilly’s favourite bus the X8 going to Newcastle, minging, no makeup and hair like a haystack.  It’s ok though I thought he’ll just stay on it and come straight home.  I can sit on a bus for an hour with no phone, no problem.  Did he stay on the bus?  Did he bugger.  He joined a queue for a double decker to come home but the concept of waiting for the driver wasn’t cutting the mustard with Reilly and I went from hood holding, piggy backing and carrying him to stop him running off while we waited the 7 minutes for the driver to finish his pie or whatever he was doing.  Just as the bus doors opened and people began to file on Reilly takes off.

Legging it through Marksys like his life depended on it.  Lightly brushing past the valentines displays of prosecco and chocolates as he went.  Laughing at the top of his voice. The mixture of my big, icecream covered winter coat, running after Reilly and the bright lights start to make me feel a bit panicky. My trousers a s always are hanging down like a gang members from L.A. but I catch him just as he’s about to get in the lift.

Oh come on Reilly let’s go and get the bus and go home for a kinder egg, pizza, drink, build a track, do you wanna build a snowman?  Anything to get him out.

If he could speak I imagine he said get stuffed loser and wriggled out my grasp and we were off again.  I knew where he was headed, my worst nightmare.  Fenwicks Toys a) i’m skint and b) it’s horrific.

We got in the lift with a couple of beautifully dressed young men.  I glanced in the massive mirror and was instantly aware of how rough I was looking and the hem was down on my trousers.  Reilly pressed every button on the way up opening and shutting the doors and pointing at the uncomfortable young lads shouting toooo at them.  To tired to explain.

After attempting to carry the largest Hot Wheels set to the counter about £80 and me putting it back 5 times he gave in.  He lined up some Thomas trains and ran away from Peppa Pig.  He decided on some Finding Nemo Mashems and 2 tiny minions figures thankfully in the sale.

Now Fenwicks isn’t contactless.  If it was I’m laughing Reilly beeps the device and then claps as he’s such a good lad.  Inserting cards and punching numbers is a whole new ball game that always ends in huge radges and my card almost in two. Lad on the till was lovely thankfully and didn’t mind the repeated attempts to get it right.

A more controlled walk through Marksys back for the bus, dying for a wee but not a chance on gods earth was I attempting that.  The bus is there in the stand HURRAH.  I flash my return ticket. No Christine Reilly isn’t having that he wants to pay and because I am that stressed, hot and tired I give him a 50p and ask the driver to let him put it in the 50p holder.  Bus ride home was perfect he snuggled into me kissing my cheeks for the whole journey, back seat left corner 😉  SO we are home.  He’s eating a pizza and watching a Thomson 767 being spray painted for the 20th time.

So how was your day?

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Bedtime Beauty Secrets! The Video

Seeing as this has caused much hilarity on Facebook today I thought i’d share with The Life of Reilly readers.

I cannot express how much this is actually me.  I get asked all the time ooo do you like Diors new makeup remover?,  WTF!   I feel blessed if I can get my hands on a baby wipe and a toothbrush that hasn’t been down the toilet or used to paint Cranky the Crane.