Christmas Eve and its absolutely not anything like I expected it to be. If you have followed the blog for a while you will know that Christmas was always Reilly’s favourite time of year. Our tree was up on the 1st of November, didn’t always stay up right and I did once tie it to a curtain pole but it was up nonetheless. Our trees over the years have been adorned with all sorts from buckets and spades to food items out the cupboard. Did we care? Not a jot because it made him happy. the last 3 years he has insisted on traditional red, green and gold which suited me just fine.

Around two months ago Reilly started to type out daily no Christmas, no presents, no santa, no carrots, no xmas dinner, sometimes 10-20 times a day. I would reassure him that Christmas is lovely and twinkly and presents are lovely but he would become really distressed to the point that he told me he would rather have his hair washed than put the Christmas tree up. 

I love Christmas. The house is warmer and cosier. Imperfections are covered over for the time being and on a whole I like being at home more at Christmas than other time but we have chosen to respect his wishes. There was a window of around 3 hours where he wanted a tree up but that soon came crashing down and every bauble destroyed. There are worse things in life though eh.

2023 can go down in my history as the worst second to only one when my brother Neil passed away. It has been an emotional rollercoaster which has impacted massively on my emotional and physical health. There have been losses, ill health and anxiety on a level I never thought I would experience again. 

Just today I watched my Mam trudge across the churchyard to deliver a light up star to Neil’s grave. The star marks not only the unfairness of loss but also the brilliance of an incredible soul extinguished too soon and in that moment I just thought to myself fuck this shitty life and the blows that come with it. 

On top of an already incredibly stressful life for us one thing after another has gone wrong confirming to me that karma to me is indeed a tall tale. We are good people. If we can help you we will unless of course you are one of the people in 2023 who have almost ruined me. I have lost friends, learned all about loyalty and readjusted my sails to leave them in the docks. If karma is real then I hope it visits them soon with what they deserve and delivers us a well earned break.

One thing after another for us this year financially. Cars, multiple TVs, x boxes, boiler, beds and solicitors have taken their toll and we are just done. Hopefully in the New Year with Shanes job changing I will get more help with Reilly around school and be able to go to work even if its one or two days a week where I can get up and leave at 8am and not come back til 5pm, like I used to, like I miss.

The one thing I can be thankful for in 2023 is that my dad is making a great recovery after his tumour was discovered by accident and removed swiftly so now to shift this 2 week old horrendous cold/cough/sore throat because Reilly does not want to be anywhere near me given his fear of coughing and ive spent almost 2 weeks relegated to my bedroom.

I am profoundly thankful for the unwavering support, compassionate listening, and boundless generosity of those who stood by me and my family in 2023.

Though the season may carry the weight of challenges, we find strength in the quiet triumph of getting through, stitching together moments of courage and endurance. Yet I make no apologies for the non jolly Christmas post as this is simply how i’m feeling and I know others will be struggling to so the important message here is you are not alone. Bad times never last and we need to keep looking forward.

2024 I hope will be better, it has to be. 

C xx