Missing 

I’m like a big jittery bag of nerves today.  I’ve had an internal debate with myself whether to write this post or not, mostly for fear of judgement but this is real life and I’ve decided to write it.

Reilly escaped out of our downstairs toilet window yesterday.  We were upstairs with his new board drawing, sticking alphabets on etc.  He wasn’t happy to be at home but we’d already been out and about for hours and I do have another child off school so I needed to be here.  The doors were locked downstairs as always.  Reilly wandered downstairs and I decided to grab the opportunity to go to the toilet, yes this has to be planned too. If he catches me, always me at the toilet he will fly into a rage and scream and often put his feet in the toilet.  I have NO IDEA why.

I could hear little sounds of Reilly playing, the odd drop of a car etc so I wasn’t worried.  I was a little worried a minute later when I shouted Reilly and didn’t hear a shuffle or his footsteps, then again he doesn’t always respond to his name.  So I shouted again and listened, nothing.  Sorted myself out and ran down the stairs in and out of every room. He wasn’t there. The toilet window however was open as wide as it would go.  My doors are locked, where the fuck are my keys to get out, I’ve hidden them so Reilly can’t get them on top of my wardrobe. Up the stairs, down the stairs, phone isn’t working so I run into the street and see nothing. I bray on my neighbours door to help, Alex my oldest son who was sat with headphones on and never heard a thing started running, I never knew he could move that fast.

I ran to my friends house, that’s where he would go I was sure of it.  He wasn’t there, they all pulled shoes on as quick as a flash and were out.  I could not breathe.  I suffer from OCD already so can certain conjure up some catastrophes without an actual real situation.  I felt like my legs would give way and my heart would explode.

As we drove back to my street to see if anyone had returned with news, I felt I would die when there was nothing and then our neighbour pulls into the street and tells me he has just tailed Reilly, he was unsure how to approach him and didn’t want to freak him out so followed him to make sure he was safe while trying to contact my Dad to come to him.  Reilly had walked or ran I should say a fair distance and if I was a betting man I’d say he was enroute to McDonalds.  Another lovely lady stopped Reilly and kept him by tying his shoelace until my Dad got to them.  I will be forever grateful to everyone who was involved yesterday.  I love my village and (most) people in it. I’ve been sent tons of phone numbers and others have taken mine to set up a little network in case it ever happens again, which it won’t but with Reilly we can never say never. He is very bright, he will build things to gain extra height, he tries to pick locks and has no sense of danger.

My dad took him rambling from there and he tried to give him the slip 3 times. I think he thinks he’s hilarious but it’s anything but.

The what-ifs have kept me awake most of the night and will continue to for a long time to come. I’m not a horror, I’m not a bad parent, I’m doing my best here and Jesus it’s hard.  It’s such a rollercoaster one moment depairing at his lack of sense of danger and the next minute I’m in awe of the incredible things he does like this morning writing his name for the first time, completely out of the blue and perfect.


Today Reilly is still hatching plans for a great escape while I google security measures and tagging.  I’ve still got the tell tale anxiety pins and needles running up and down my arms and too much adrenaline coursing my veins and I’m not quite brave enough to venture past the front door, Trolls it is and extra cuddles x

Holiday shenanigans

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After a pretty much sleepless night last night I managed to tie myself in knots over our looming holiday.  After months of convincing I decided last year that I would be brave and try abroad with the family.  We chose a short flight with a short transfer which was 2 major ticks off my worry list.

We are off to Ibiza at the end of June and I am terrified!

I always get anxious being aware from home, it’s in my genes, it’s who I am but by god planning a holiday with Reilly is something else.

Reasons I don’t want to go:

  1. It’s easier at home (I have no proof of this yet 😂)
  2. Reilly doesn’t like seatbelts.
  3. I don’t know how he’ll cope with the airport or plane.
  4. What if there is no lock on my balcony door.
  5. What if the hotel door doesn’t have a lock on the inside.
  6. What if he wanders.
  7. He doesn’t like sun cream.
  8. He doesn’t like other people eating.
  9. He only eats beige things.
  10. What if he can’t sleep and wants to come home.  (This applies to me and him).
  11. I  hate planes.
  12. I’m too fat and have no clothes.

I could go on for hours covering reasons why we shouldn’t go.

Reasons we should go:

  1. Reilly and Ellis absolutely love the beach and the water.
  2. Ellis talks about nothing but going on holiday.
  3. We all need some Vitamin D on our skin.
  4. I really really really want to lie on a sun lounger with a book worry free for two hours.
  5. Reilly loves planes.
  6. I don’t want to cook for 11 days.
  7. I want nice food.
  8. I want to spend quality time with my boys.

So this is what I have done to try and make our holiday go as smooth as possible.

  • IPAD films, programmes, games downloaded.
  • I have played youtube videos of people boarding planes on a regular basis.
  • I have social stories for the journey. Airport Social Story
  • Small presents to be wrapped up in lots of cellotape and put in my bag for Reilly to open on flight if necessary (keep him busy – thankyou Tracey Smith).
  • Ear defenders purchased.
  • Airport emailed and form downloaded to assist us when we get there and boarding the plane last.  Newcastle Airport Autism Info
  • Purchasing a Crelling type harness to use in car and on plane.  No escape mate. Houdini standard.
  • Tracking device to be purchased to signal if Reilly wanders past 30 metres, falls in the water or is kidnapped ( I know but the fear is real).  Attaches to his clothes and links to my phone.
  • Full SPF swimsuit to be purchased and still testing different sun creams/sprays.
  • Plastic plate and bowl going in the case along with mini boxes of cereal.
  • Mam and Dad are coming as backup not just for us but to ensure Ellis doesn’t have a holiday of being restricted to Reilly’s wishes.
  • Hotel has been emailed with prior warning and my concerns about lock and things to climb on the balcony.
  • Asking my doctor for diazepam to actually get myself on the flight.

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Shane and I will split our time so we do actually enjoy some of what our holiday has to offer so it won’t be manic 24/7 but other than this I really don’t know what I can do.  The thought of him crying on the plane for 2 hours is unbearable but he loves planes and watches them all the time,  what if he loves it and just takes it all in.

Am I being selfish? Am I being stupid? what if?  what if?  what if?   arggghhhhhh.

We’ll soon find out and I’m sure the holiday blogs will  be absolutely crackers.

If you have any hints and tips for me please let me know.  The fear is real :).