I am jealous. There I said it. 

This post did the rounds a lot last year about how jealous I was of everyday things.  Ive just read through them again and felt I needed to update them (in brackets and bold).  Amazing how your outlook can change, i’m always learning.  I love this boy to bits.

I’m jealous. There I said it.

I’m jealous of other families that don’t struggle like we do – I am jealous, I’m not proud of it. I am a green eyed monster. There are lots of things that make me jealous things that you probably haven’t given a thought to.

  • I’m jealous that you can go food shopping with your child and not have to dump your trolley and get them out because muller have changed their packaging or an unexpected tannoy announcement causes a meltdown. (I hate shopping anyway, online is the way to go).
  • I’m jealous that your child wants to put carrots out for Rudolf, watch Elf and get excited at Christmas. (Tricky one.  I think I miss tradition. Alex and Ellis are too old and I miss it.  Reilly does not. Me me me lol.  I still watch Elf, I still put the carrots out, the reindeer dust might land on top of the wheely bin but who honestly gives a f”ck?) Santa still gets here.
  • I’m jealous you can stroke your child’s hair and take him for a haircut. (I stroke it in his sleep, his hair is long, no biggy).
  • I’m jealous that going on holiday for us means 6 months of displaying photographs as social stories of aeroplane steps, engines, seat belts and still having no clue whether he understands it all or not. (there are worse things I could be doing at least we are doing it).
  • I’m jealous that your child does the actions to Incey wincey spider and sings along. (never liked nursery rhymes anyway, usually creepy full of stories of wronguns).
  • I’m jealous you go to bed and sleep for more than four hours. (Melatonin saved my life, true story). 
  • I’m jealous that you can give your child food that is not just coloured beige. (beige is nice, beige is popular).
  • Im jealous of your play dates. (sometimes – but I like it just me and him)
  • I’m jealous of family trips to the cinema. 50 for a family trip and counting – you can keep it!)
  • I’m jealous that when your child is ill you can fix it and know what is wrong or where it hurts. (STILL JEALOUS)
  • I’m jealous that any snippet of spare time I get to spend with my husband is spent discussing worries. (everyone has problems maybe thats what you do to?)
  • I’m jealous I don’t have time for friends. (YUP but i’m trying)
  • I’m jealous that your child can tell you they love you. (He loves me I know it, I just haven’t heard it, he traces my face with the tip of his nose and it says it all).

But you know what I am also?

Proud, extremely proud.

Have you any idea how hard it is for him to function in this chaotic world? He has the determination of 10 men, the independence of 20 and the stamina of 100.

I’m proud of every tiny step he takes and celebrate each one. Be it touching a piece of fruit, making a new sound or completing a 300 piece jigsaw!.

I’m proud that he is loving.

I’m proud that he is smart.

I’m proud of how hard he tries.

I have 3 beautiful boys and I am incredibly lucky. There are people wishing they had what we have but just sometimes I just can’t keep that green eyed monster at bay.

(Green eyed monster is kept at bay most days I am happy to update).

I feel sorry for those who don’t have a Reilly in their life, amazing what can change in a year.


Published by

Christine Stephenson

Really busy mam who runs her own charity, has 3 sons and learning about autism every day. Contact me at alphaautistic@gmail.com

8 thoughts on “I am jealous. There I said it. 

  1. wow you are doing so well wondering why its just you he hits. where ever the cough comes from. Yes i am with you on the sensory thing deffinatley,could it be he dose n’t understand where and how it comes from and he is hitting you wanting protection from it. just a thought. Is there any pictures in your pile that shows sneeze cough crying laugh? How do you manage to control the hitting Christine, ?


  2. Hi my name is Eileen I have read your very honest heart rending but beautiful insight into your life. You are Amazing parents and family and you have an amazing son. Have you ever thought of putting your experiences into a book to help other parents know they are not alone. I work in Northern Ireland with children / young adults who have autism, my daughter also works in A special school in Newcastle and I have watched the children arrive into school at 3 years of age each child is unique and I have seen how they have overcome so so many challenges but do you know what 99% of the children are so very very happy I know so many children who have arrived into school with no speech but by the age of seven can communicate with speech better that their teacher. I swear I am privileged to be able to see what progress is made daily and it still shocks me. Your son has a lovely bright future ahead I am sure of that with a family,teaching assistants and teachers that love him dearly. I wish you health & happiness with your 3 boys and life will get easier for you


    1. Hi Eileen thankyou so much. To be honest I thought it would be a tool for people who come into contact with Reilly to just understand him a little better but it seems to have travelled way further. There are so many topics to cover that I think may help others so I’ll definitely continue ❤️


  3. Ahh Thankyou for replying. I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed reading your blog and thinking how your story could help so so many parents throughout their child’s life. I know lots of parents who feel so alone and isolated it’s just not the same when a parent who hasn’t walked in their shoes tells them ” tomorrow may be a better day”. You know how they feel. Please do not delete your blogs as one day you could put all these together and be a saviour to so many people worldwide. You are doing a fantastic job don’t forget that! X Eileen


  4. I couldn’t have said this better myself,
    Yes we’re lucky to have our children, being told I couldn’t have any to then having my daughter extremely early I KNOW how lucky I am BUT I’m angry, jealous and worried at the same time
    Your so strong xx

    Liked by 1 person

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