It’s been a while since I penned a post so welcome to the ramblings of a man on the edge. Readers who follow this blog regularly will of no doubt thought that poor Christine and possibly she doesn’t have much support; well I’d agree it is poor Christine and our circumstances dictate I have to work long hours to cover bills and allow the family to have a quality of life.
I enjoy my job to a degree and it actually keeps me sane having the routine of going to work and having the challenge of what my career brings BUT there isn’t much of a work life balance most months. I can almost hear people saying shut your gob and get on with it like parents the breadth of the place.
I hate the fact at times I come in from work and Reilly completely blanks me and Ellis is stuck on his PS4; never a truer saying you get back what you put in. Kids don’t understand the fact they’ve got the latest consoles, trainers, trips to toys r us weekly, heating and food
and a home on a nice estate because I exhaust myself to give them it; they understand quality time that’s what they understand. I actually hate this it makes me so angry, jealous and genuinely sad; my kids lives are passing me by and I swore it would never happen again. No regrets, you only get one chance to nurture your kids and all the rest of the cliches piss me right off because I’m in a position I hate and I know they are correct.
Some know me some don’t; I lost a son aged 2 and it ripped part of my heart and soul out and like the time I lost with Georgie they’re never coming back. I carry regret and guilt daily and it’s a bloody heavy cross to bare.
It’s hard enough knowing what needs to be done and what you can actually offer, factor in Reilly’s struggles and that cross is a whole lot heavier believe me; responsibility doesn’t even touch the sides. Reilly needs and deserves more from me (as does Ellis,we’ll come into it), he’s such a loving kid when you put the time in, he thrives on encouragement and 1-1 interaction, he loves learning and helping when I’m doing things around the house, he’s deadly with the tool bag and can mix cement or drill a wall no probs. When ever I’m low there’s nothing sorts me quicker than quality time with the kids; there like diazepam and Prozac rolled in one ( I have the Prozac t shirt).
Ellis suffers in our house a lot in he gets his nose pushed out and doesn’t get the attention he craves (all be it 16 hours of the day), he often drives us up the wall to the point of despair pushing all the buttons to get attention all be it for the wrong reasons. We try to explain, give him 1-1 time and spoil him to a degree but it all boils down to TIME or lack of it.
Is one kid favoured over the other? Absolutely not and I mean that 100%, we are acutely aware of trying to balance time and commitment to see both the kids develop, be comfortable and happy with themselves.
So back from the tangent, time is something that doesn’t sit comfortable at all with me, time lost, time I can never get back; jealousy is another, jealous of my own wife? Too right I am and I say it with ease as I want what she has with our kids.
Christine is a bit of a saintly figure and I appreciate all she does all be it we rarely actually acknowledge what each of us do; she’s always smiley and kind whilst I’m miserable and appear aggressive at times (so Mrs says). If you see this miserable, moody looking man don’t judge me too harshly (not that I give a shit) as I have that heavy cross, a lot of
responsibility and little or no time to let off steam.
Would I change anything? Yeah I would, Georgie would be with us, I’d have
more time, and Reilly would talk.
The ramblings of a stressed proud father xx