Last week I had a dream that has completely done me in. It’s part of the reason my anxiety has been so bad lately.

I dreamt I was seriously ill and dying and telling him I’m going to heaven (no surprises here I have health anxiety it’s a daily thought and a dramatic nature). 😬

Reilly was sitting on my bed in a random hospital asking the same question he asks every time I leave the house “Reilly come too?” He says it to me everyday be it going to work or if I’m just popping to the shop.

That sentence carries everything, it’s too heavy and in the dream, I couldn’t answer him.

I woke up with a fear so heavy it was physical. Its stayed with me for days. The fear of not being here for him, of him needing me and me not being there is all consuming in a way I really struggle to explain.

It sits in my chest constantly. Always there.
I told Shane about the dream the next day and he said he would feel exactly the same and upset too. That helped but it didn’t make the fear go away.

Loving a child who depends on you so deeply means carrying a fear that you never put down. It trumps everything. The idea of him asking that question and me not being able to protect him or guide him is completely unbearable.

It’s a fear I live with every day and some days, it’s overwhelming.

Sorry this is depressing I know. Talking about it helps. I know those of you with children just like Reilly all feel the same way. Doesn’t stop it hurting my heart though. Thank your lucky stars if this isn’t a worry you have to carry every single day ♥️