and relax ….

Tomorrow is Ramside Hall Eve. I cannot wait!

I have felt more stressed than normal over the last few weeks and there is no better time to get away from it all, even if it is only for one night. This is my christmas present from Shane.  When anyone asks me what I want for birthdays, christmas etc the answer is always the same, let me get away for a night, free from responsibility and some time to breathe. I will also take the opportunity to meet up with the awesome Autistic Advocate for a coffee and discuss moving things forward with all things autistic in the right way.  His blogs blow my mind and give great insight to actually autistic lives.

Managing stress is something that I’ve done since I can remember.  Anxiety shacks up with depression in my mind and doesn’t even pay rent, unwanted squatters who I just cannot evict.  Sometimes they are noisy, other times we get along dandy – at the minute they need an ASBO.  When there is a lot going on they crank up the house parties and stop me from sleeping.  Couple that with the fact that I’m an incredibly busy lady with 3 boys, 4 if you count my husband and its no wonder.  It’s not unusual for me though and i’ll ride the wave like I always do. This too shall pass, might be like a watermelon from a birth canal but it will pass.  I’ve always been very open about the fact I take meds and have done for years.  I really wish there was more discussion around it.  How the hell are people supposed to know that they aren’t alone when we are still speaking in hushed tones about it?

Being Reilly’s Mam brings its challenges but I can tell you something for sure my 11 year old NT child is stressing me out wayyyy more than Reilly at the moment.  When did 11 become the new 15?  I even offered to rap on his youtube channel to cheer him up yesterday and was told to stop trying to be peng.  Because I’m down with the kids I know what that means but I played on it and said pardon i’m nothing like Pingu.  No laughs just a look of utter disgust that reminded me of myself at approximately 13 with my awful perm and vile attitude to match.  He’s his mothers son that’s for sure.

I try and relax as much as I can.  Mindfulness is a huge part of my routine and EVERY night I unwind listening to dulcet tones and try to breathe correctly, most of us don’t.  It works you should try it.  I’ve signed up to yoga classes.  I’ve wanted to do this for years and always been a bit scared of the odd sneaky pump making its way out during a downward facing dog. Fingers crossed I can behave.

Nights away to just be myself are so valuable I cannot put it into words.  I get a bed to myself, MYSELF!  I get to be alone, I can go in the bath with additions of toilet brushes, toilet rolls, dog shampoo, Lightening McQueen, underpants etc. I’ve even treated myself to a bath bomb, this one will not go down the toilet like the others.

I will eat from a china plate, not a plastic Christmas plate and I will eat at a table and not the 10th stair up where I cant be seen shovelling it in like a jazz band drummer in a bid to eat while its hot without it being thrown across the room like a foody discus.

I will swim like an overweight mermaid and sweat in the sauna. I might even read something that’s printed in an actual book!  The luxury of it all!  I don’t want any phone calls unless its life or death.  I don’t know or care where the socks, shinpads, PS4 controller, insert your own here are.

I will try and forget that I have recently acquired some new wall art up my stairs and in my bedroom courtesy of Reilly and a yellow hi-lighter, to be fair I really don’t give a f@ck about this if I’m honest.  Pick your battles.  This is an easy one and will match his earlier works of art dated circa 2015.  It’s just another job to add to the list of never ending jobs that never get finished at home.

So Ill return on Saturday hopefully refreshed and ready to take on the filming of the short for The Life of Reilly on the 11th & 12th. I’ve attended many meetings lately about it and i’m super excited to see it come to life. This is just the beginning for The Life of Reilly. Where it stops nobody knows.

(I should really add that I usually don’t sleep when I’m away, the intention is there but I lie in bed wondering if Reilly is ok, how maybe I shouldn’t have went and what the breakfast will look like).

 

 

 

 

Doctor Google

What a week i’ve had.  For those who don’t follow my  The Life of Reilly Facebook Page I passed my driving test!!  I cannot believe it!  

I have been incredibly anxious over the last week setting myself up for a fail, moaning to myself about how i’ll be trapped for the next 25 years in my house because I can’t drive and then went and passed first time.  I’ve been learning for about 2 years but because of my ridiculous chaotic lifestyle I have cancelled many lessons so I think we should say learning for 1 year it sounds better. My driving instructor has the patience of a saint and is also very funny which is exactly what you need when you are learning to drive age 45. Here is his details if you want a top class instructor in the Cramlington area My Drive North East.

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So speaking of anxiety some of you will know I run a little group, its secret by the way; which is ever expanding about anxiety and panic.  I’ve suffered for ever and its a great little support if you are having a wobble and someone to sound off.  It’s been a bad week for many so I thought I would cheer them up with a post about my anxiety and how it affects me and believe me it does affect me.  They all laughed at me which was the intention and said I should blog it as dealing with anxiety as the parent of a special needs child is a mammoth task.

Here’s the post with a little more of the drama:

  1. I have MS. Not negotiable.
  2. I have locked in syndrome (my biggest fear).
  3. I have a slipped disc.
  4. I’ve severed a nerve. Not pinched one. Severed it.
  5. How will I get on the plane?
  6. They’ll keep me in a Spanish hospital.
  7. Who will stay with me? I will have at least 500 panic attacks and my OCD will rage.
  8. Who the fuck is going to run after Reilly?
  9. Will I need a wheelchair?
  10. Where will I live if I have a wheelchair?
  11. Maybe it’s kidney disease.
  12. Will I need a transplant?
  13. Probably a tumor on my spine.
  14. Can I put my chin on my chest? Does it cries again as it kills.
  15. I’ve got meningitis have I got a rash?
  16. Will I be incontinent?
  17. Will I shit myself on the plane if I get on it?
  18. How the hell will Shane and the kids cope if I die?
  19. How will they tell Reilly?
  20. How will he understand?

I told you it was grim!  All the while I was googling different ailments trying to self diagnose what had happened.  Not at any point did I think I’d just hurt my back.

I eventually fell asleep thanks to my emergency cant get on the plane diazepam. Woke up at 9 couldn’t stand up, shuffled to bathroom and pittled myself again.

8 million tablets and a day later I got on the plane. I saw a doctor last week who is sending me for a scan. It’s still killing me. I have done EVERY self test on YouTube to find out if I’m terminal.  You’ll be pleased to know I haven’t found anything other than nerve damage or a disc problem that does indeed make you pee your pants.

It’s hard when you have horrendous health anxiety.  You try and get some balance and talk yourself out of ‘oh it’s something serious’ but then there’s that little nag that twitters in the back of your mind ‘leave it and you’ll make it worse’. It’s never ending.  I’m laughing to myself just typing this list but I can also guarantee I’ll be having further investigations, not with Dr Google.

 

No More Panic is a good site for anyone feeling angsty.

 

 

Dark clouds gather

You ever have one of those days where you wake up and you can barely get out the bedroom because your anxiety is up with the larks? That was me this morning.

I hate those days, I’m partial to them I can’t lie.  Days when you are happy your phone is broken  and that you have no plans because getting out of your pyjamas takes more effort than what you’ve got.

I hate anxious depressed days such a massive waste of time and energy spent ruminating over everything. Everything being the important stuff like 10 reasons why it is absolutely impossible for me to die as no one can take care of the Things like I can but also worrying about utter drivel. I hate that the most for example the tiles on the outer edge are missing in the hallway Reilly’s escort will think we live in squalor, WTF but yes that was a genuine worry of the day.  I knew I couldn’t watch the documentary about the 16 year old non verbal boy today as I may still be crying now that needs to be watched on a less emotional day.

I’ve spent the day trying keep as busy as possible. My self preservation involves being busy with minimal human contact and watching old America’s next top models that I’ve missed. So here I am at almost 1am feeling completely normal and wanting to hang onto that peaceful feeling so putting off sleep a teeny bit longer.

When Reilly came back from school he wanted to go out, I really really didn’t want to but I put my trainers on and figured some fresh air might do me some good so we went to the park and for something to eat.  It does always brighten me up if I can get past the doorstep.  In this mood I’m prone to a bit of people hating, can’t help it for example I hated a mam shouting at her little one for walking too slow, I shouldn’t judge she may have needed the toilet or was catching a bus or whatever but I did and hated her for it anyway.

My temples were pounding, my left arm was pins and needles and my legs like lead weights but I did the 2 hours out and I did feel better for it.  The good thing is I can say to Shane what an utterly shit day, I felt like crying and have been really anxious and he gets it, priceless.

The black dog barks at my door a lot and I do try and keep him on a tight leash.  Medication, mindfulness, etc help too. I’m 44 in a few weeks time and have felt like this for about 20 years off and on some times worse than others following life events.  Caring for Reilly ups the game on the anxiety stakes that’s for sure.

I get so pissed off, I accomplish a lot but what would the Christine minus anxiety, depression and OCD be capable of?  It’s exhausting but as they say without darkness we’d never see the stars.

What’s your method for dealing with the dark days?

New day tomorrow hoping for a good one x