I had a full blown panic attack tonight not had a proper one for a long time as I’ve mastered keeping my anxiety on simmer not boil. But I have so much going on this week with Reilly’s school switch visit, things I won’t mention and the looming summer holidays. No I’m not the mam that loves the holidays because we can do a, b, c and d because we can’t. Simple as that. Summer holidays are hard and are a great reminder of how I am are letting your neurotypical sons down with lack of time and attention. You feeling my mood tonight? 🙈
Shane my husband has never suffered a panic attack before so here is my description. I feel it is relevant as probably, at a guess I’d say 95% of parents of autistic children will have anxiety. I might be wrong.
Imagine your sitting watching TV or reading a book and a feeling washes over you
A feeling like you just saw the button pressed to start a nuclear war.
A feeling like you’re tethered to the sea bed and your face is an inch below water.
A feeling like you can see a tornado headed for your house and you can’t reach your kids in time.
A vision of every image from every nightmare you ever dreamt is played on a loop,
your heart beats too fast, you can’t swallow
you are weighed down by the problems of people you’ve never even met,
you are too hot, you can’t stop shaking, you think you might be sick,
you doubt your own sanity and convince yourself that the rest of your days will be spent in this hell hole.
You judge your worth as a parent, as a friend, as a wife.
You pace on wobbly legs to work off the adrenaline that’s coursing through your body and you know that it will pass but that means nothing in this moment.
That’s what it’s like for me. I’m now exhausted but with a wide awake brain. I don’t wish to see another panic attack for a long time and my heart goes out to anyone who suffers. An easy life would be nice if anyone can get that sorted for me I’d really appreciate it ❤️