I cracked, I cried!

Last  2 days have been horrific and today it all kind of got on top of me and I had to have a little cry.  I feel better for it and I should do it more often.

Yesterday was a nightmare.  For some reason he wasn’t happy with any of the clothes I tried to leave in the house in.  Might sound really trivial but when I don’t know why and it’s clothes I’ve work before I’m buggered if I can work it out.  He will not stop until said article is in the bin.  He screams constantly and rages until it’s done.  I managed to get into the car in one jumper and before we got off the drive 15 minutes later it was thrown out of the window.  Anyone else have any issues like this?  I could say sensory but he’s seen these before.  He wanted me to go because he took my hand just not in those clothes.  Anyway we swerved going to our friends Lou & Steve who quite frankly have enough on their plate being fabulous and running the super amazing The Good Will Cause and I really didn’t want to subject them to Reilly’s current mood.  We went to Blyth Park instead where after 15 minutes Reilly lost the use of all his limbs again but not his vocal chords.

Back home he did a runner again to our friends around the corner and was calm for a little while, he did try to overthrow plates and the likes.  I was praying for bed time by the time we got home for the second time but he was still bouncing on the bed at 10pm.

So as you can imagine I sadly waved him off for school this morning (cough cough Poldark was on by 8.03am with a cuppa in hand).  I felt better, I’d slept, we had good news about Alphabetically Autistic so all good – until 3.30pm.

I bribed Reilly into the house with the marble madness set I picked up that morning for that very reason, a lure.  Get him through the front door and lock it.  This is all well and good until you realise he’s worked out how to get out the back gate and he was off. Running in the rain like Mo Farrah. I’m chasing him like theres a sale at McDonald’s, gasping for breath and expecting someone to have to use one of our defibrillators (I need to sort this out for Reilly’s own safety and my health).  Little pal Hadyn wasn’t at home so this didn’t particularly improve his mood and he was off again.  I’d no coat, it’s pouring, i’m soaked and I’m struggling to catch him.  As per there’s no response to shouts to stop etc so one last push from me and I caught his hood.  Queue the Reilly now won’t walk scenario so onto my back like Hodor and Bran I traipse home like I’d just wandered out of the eye of the storm.

Breaking cups,plates, kicking over his marble madness, pulling my hair, kicking the doors, pulling wires from the TV and that was it. I sobbed for a good 15 minutes.  Noisy real tears type of sobbing.

Reilly stopped destroying the house and came and looked at me.  Then he began piecing back together my magazine that he’d destroyed placing them on my knee like a peace offering.

Can’t read emotion?  I beg to differ.

Of course after a 20 minute cuddle from Reilly still in his peace offering mood I began to feel better. We snuggled and watched Thomas, me still complete with that hollow, dreaded fear you have at the end of a panic attack with the added guilt trip that you have when you doubt your ability as a mother.  I forget sometimes that it’s ok to be pissed off, have a little cry, reign it back in and crack on – This too shall pass.

Calm has now been fully restored, Shane is home, Reilly’s in bed and i’m hoping for a better tomorrow.

Parents of multiple ASD kids you have my admiration and respect, how on earth do you do it? xx