About a boy

Yesterday we headed into Newcastle for a night at The Copthorne Hotel on Newcastle’s Quayside courtesy of the fabulous Jeff & Lesley Armstrong.  We had a fantastic time,  I miss my one on one time with Ellis so much and it is essential I grab it whenever I can.  He is amazing company and his crack in unbelievable.

We had some lunch, walked along the Tyne, took photographs, looked at baby phototgraphs on the laptop, discussed dabbing, gave a homeless man £2 (Ellis’s choice) and talked about everything inlcuding which floor is best to be on if a hotel collapses and the skills of the F2 Freestylers.  It was perfect and I am eternally grateful to have been able to do that.  I also got the chance to think,  something I try not to do very often as it usual ends with anxiety or something to take up more of my time.

Watching Ellis asleep last night, happy and cozy made me realise how lucky  I am.   Whattt not having that she’s feeling lucky and happy queue the anxiety, the bedtime bastard that visits just as you are snuggling down.  Thought I might have left him at home but no he must have jumped in on the way out the door and my specialty anxiety topic at the Copthorne was guilt.

• Guilty that I don’t have enough time for my lads.
• Guilty that we don’t have enough money even though Shane works like a trojan but I can’t.
• Guilty that I can’t do more.
• Guilty that Shane and I never spend any time together.
• Guilty for spending time with Ellis knowing Reilly may be melting down at home (he didn’t, he was fine).
• Guilty for spending time with Reilly when I should be with Ellis.
• Guilty because I couldn’t see Alex’s band play last night because I was with Ellis.
• Guilty that I’d rather sit on the settee than go to the park.
• Guilty that I wish I had an easier life.
• Guilty that I do have an easier life than many.

Just the biggest ball of guilt in guilt town basically.  The list could be as long as your arm to be honest.  But I came to a conclusion last night.

That conclusion was you know what, actually fuck it!

I can’t do anymore its not physically possible.  I could be better organised and that’s something I will have to work on.  For now I’m happy watching boy knocking out peaceful zzzz’s in a beautiful bedroom while I watch the lights bouncing off the Tyne and the trains passing by outside,  this is one night anxiety is not getting into bed with me;  so with a swig of my soya milk tea, a bite of my GB Cupcakery brownie (vegan – to die for),  a sniff of Ellis’s Rocky Road and some much needed mindfulness I actually drifted off.

We had an amazing time.  Ellis needed it.  I desperately needed it. I can’t wait til we can do it again and I can repay Lesley & Jeff for their incredible kindness.

Needless to say when Shane picked us up Reilly legged it into the hotel and pressed all the buttons on the lift and I carried him out screaming.  Business as usual but batteries recharged and ready.  Love my boys xx