​​Reilly said cheese tonight. He’s said it before and I love it when he does as it lets a tiny chink of light through on what lies ahead. He went on to babble for about 15 minutes and for some reason tonight it made me really emotional.  

I cannot express how huge my desire to have a conversation with my boy is.  

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He tries so hard. It makes me so fucking angry the frustration he faces daily to make himself heard. Don’t get me wrong we manage most of the time I know what he wants as he is a brilliant communicator via other means but sometimes it overwhelms me that he’s 6 and we haven’t had a conversation.  

Imagine having none of the magic conversations about the run up to Christmas, I tell him regardless and talk to him as much if not more than Alex and Ellis, sometimes searching on his face for clues that he gets it. I think he does there’s no flies on Reilly and I think he knows exactly what’s going on but I can’t be sure because he can’t tell me. He points to Cars3 track in Argos book and then at Santa so I know he’s made that link which is great and I’m now working on Reindeers and carrots.  Might not sound like a big deal this is just an example but apply to any part of his life. How was school today Reilly? Nope  I’ll just check what his teacher has written in his diary or I just don’t know. 

As a Parent it’s your job to ‘get it’. I need to know what’s up so I can fix it, help him, make him happy. Sometimes I just can’t figure it out and that pisses me off royally. 

In my poem called I’m Jealous which I wrote a while back I didn’t hide my jealousy of others in fact I was practically green with envy. I still am at some things and sometimes when my head is straight I know people might be jealous that they don’t have a Reilly. He’s awesome and I long for the day that we might talk, that day might never come I’m prepared for that, I think.